Things will probably work out, but right now I am feeling so stressed. I have too much to do, and I can't seem to get enough done each day. I feel like such a horrible person; I'm intellectually, spiritually, and physically a mess. I keep working hard, but I'm starting to forget why. I feel trapped right now, like I can't possibly escape the fate of being judged unworthy or inferior and consigned to a lesser existence. Why are things like this? I want to believe in my own ability, but I'm afraid that I will fail, or that I will refuse to succeed and waste my energy on something pointless. I can't believe this is how I should live; I can't believe that I should do anything that makes me be this person I'm becoming. I wanted to escape myself and the life I deemed a failure, but who am I becoming? Why does succeeding or trying to feel wrong? What did I miss?

lessons

Lessons and platitudes learned, or in the process of being learned:

• Instead of stressing uselessly about whether something that you are already definitely doing is the best/right thing or not,just do your best as you are doing it, and think about it when you have a chance. Inaction and indecision have costs too.
  
  
• There are many things one must do in life, and many things that one must balance. That it is hard to do is not a good enough reason to quit.
  
  
• Change your circumstances by changing yourself. Don't say "I would feel differently if only things were different," because even if it's true, so what? Concern yourself with what you can control. Wake up today so that by tomorrow you can be a better person than you were before.
  
  
• Remember that whole "One Beggar telling another where to find bread." thing.
  
  
• It is not you who will change the world. You are part of the world, and you are having a hard enough time changing yourself. Only God, and maybe God working through you, can bring change.
  
  
• Fear is meant to inform you, not control you. Feel it, and then act.
  

Rambling at the End of the Weekend

All the words I can think to write seem selfish. That seems to be part of it; I can only write selfish things.

Once you lose yourself you only have others to go on and they do not know how to help you or they ultimately don't care.

And people play at games called relationships thinking that therein lies the key to unlocking their happiness, that that is the answer to why their life feels wrong, never daring to think that the problem is within them and you can only lose yourself so long in "love" before the same thing that ate at you before comes back. So why do I even bother to think about this game?

I am at a point where I know that I am looking for something that I am not doing or something that I don't understand. I used to think it was a feeling, that it was just a matter of finding my way to a certain good feeling that made everything easier. Now, I'm starting to think that it's more about something that's there even when you don't have a feeling.

Why does my life keep giving me unreality of the worst kind? Why can I not decide whether it is my own thoughts or those of the world around me that are running through my head, and which of these two are mistaken?

Is uncomfortable synonymous with miserable? Sometimes I'm not comfortable in my own skin; sometimes I just want to be someone else to escape the feeling that I'm just kind of failing in all the ways that make me a hopeless case. But I'm not always miserable. In fact, some uncomfortable things are quite nice; quite memorable. It's hard to explain sometimes that you are happy, but also feel terrible somehow. Maybe this is fear?

I am the worst kind of person because I am nothing at all. Maybe I just don't know how to be anything other than trying hard and failing? Or maybe I know how empty it is to succeed in so many ways? Or maybe I've never succeeded or failed. Choosing comfort is stating that you don't think there is anything to be gained in doing something difficult. The problem is, so many times it seems like there isn't.

Why do I criticize myself? Maybe to keep other people from doing so. Maybe. Or maybe I think that acknowledging my failures makes them OK somehow?

I just don't know how to measure change, good or bad. I'm basically a tool, and my life either depends too little or too much on feelings.